Wasn’t I supposed to be a good catholic girl? According to my birthplace, I should have been… instead I was atheist and never able to conform to my culture’s values. I was an outsider in my own country. Unable to conform in college or even keep a job, I was a loose leaf tossed around by the wind. I didn’t have roots to keep me grounded, so I was tossed here and there collecting a little bruises and marks in the way people collect souvenirs.
My love for Jesus, myself, and others grew, but there was also a twisted truth—a lie—that invaded my heart, mind, and soul. I learned about a hierarchy the Bible seemingly taught, and I couldn’t reconcile that a loving God would want half of His image-bearers to be limited in the ways they serve Him despite weekly reassurances of "equal in dignity but different in roles”.
I am one of the lucky ones. I am a man who has been positively influenced by both strong men and strong, perhaps even stronger, women. I grew up in an Italian family. My grandfather was quiet and steady. My father was strong and a great provider. My grandmother was ever present and larger than life while my mother was sensitive and nurturing.
In the Fall of 2015 I stumbled upon Carolyn Custis James’s book “Half the Church.” It was perfect timing, as it opened truths to me that I knew in my heart but had never heard growing up in the church. In fact, I pretty much ignored teachings that insinuated that women were “less than,” but it did trouble me that I didn’t fit that model. I realized that I was a fellow warrior with the men in my life, and constraints to fit a model that didn’t fit me was not Godly and not sound teaching.
In my classes, and especially in coffee talks with my friends, I found myself unable to answer the most basic questions about why I believed what I did. Because I believe it, because the Bible says so, because it’s what I was taught were the only answers I had. Period. While the culmination of 18 years of being in a church at least 3 times a week helped me to be positive in my beliefs, I had nothing to contribute to rich conversations with anyone who might not have been raised the same way.
Over the years, there have been several big picture items that I would identify as “stumbling blocks” to my faith, and women being subservient to men is right up there at the top of the list.
I grew up with so many conflicting messages. As a preacher’s daughter of a VERY conservative Baptist minister, I always felt different. I did not seem to fit in anywhere.
A received knower depends on authorities to tell them what is right or wrong. Having lived most of my life this way, I lived in a prison of people-pleasing, guilt, shame, and indecisiveness. Once I was able to understand this unhealthy way of thinking, a wave of peace and freedom became part of my life.
I honestly believe what screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how life is supposed to be. My parents never sat me down and gave me expectations of when I was supposed to be married or have children. The church never preached a lesson on the proper age to do these things. Instead, there were small ‘invisible agents’ that ultimately created a picture of what life is supposed to be.
For years I had the privilege of videotaping women’s bible studies and men’s bible studies, and I was amazed at the difference. Women seem do a better job of teaching, preaching, praying, going deeper in the bible, and caring for each other, better than men. There seems to be a special connection.
What I understood about men leading and women submitting didn’t always seem to make sense with God’s redemptive plan or with the just and loving character of Jesus.
I wondered if I had been born with a “lower dose” of God’s image.
I asked specific questions and was told that God just designed things that way.
So, I prayed for forgiveness for my rebellious nature.
I didn’t have the emotional capacity to go to church, but I thought maybe I’d be okay in a Bible study at a wine bar. Jackie told me that I had a big “Do not talk to me” sign on my head when I first showed up, and it was true. I wasn’t exactly in a good place with church and I was pretty scared of Christians in general, but I knew I needed to be with Jesus. And I needed to be with people who were thinking about what it really, truly means to be with Jesus in our world today, in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.